Weasleys of the Corn
by SpoonandJohn
Summary: So it turns out that Ron isn't a cowardly me-tooer, but a dangerous madboy unleashed on an unsuspecting public who are inured to such activities after more than a decade of Weasley insanity. NOT A ONESHOT BUT SPORADIC UPDATES PROBABLY


**Written by:** Spoon ( **But John typed)**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

"Why did you do that?" hissed Harry. He was sitting in the back of History of Magic, talking to the boy who, until this morning, he had believed to be his first friend. He was reevaluating that position in light of recent events.

"Do what?" asked Ron in a normal tone. They were both ignoring the drone of Professor Binns (something that everyone had begun to do after the first class) and the furious, affronted glare of Hermione Granger, who seemed to be taking it as a personal offense that they weren't interested in Goblin revolts.

"You accepted a duel with Malfoy!"

"And?"

"On my behalf!"

"Well, you seemed to be having some trouble with the formal language, so I figured I'd help out."

"You said 'He'll see you there; I'm his second, who's yours?' that's not formal language!" Harry paused. "What's a second, anyway?"

"That's what we call the person who steps in after you die."

"Die?"

"It happens in duels, you know."

"But I don't _want_ to duel!"

"Look, I've dealt with bullies all my life—"

"So have I!"

"And they never back off if you just ignore them."

"Don't I know it," muttered Harry. "Wait. I thought your parents lik—loved you."

"They do. But I've been in a house with my brothers. My mom can only be in so many places at once, you know. As I was saying: the only way to get them to back down is to make them bleed a little."

"Bleed?" Harry snapped.

"Well, yeah. Most people like that don't like seeing their own blood. You better hope they're that kind. The other kind just get mad if you cut 'em, so you get hurt more when they come at you again. There's a third kind, too, but Bill said he wouldn't tell me until I was of age."

"Great. So it's a one-in-three chance that Malfoy will back down once I fight him?"

"Yep. Still better than the one-in-one chance that he'd keep going if you don't."

"Just one problem, Ron."

"Yeah?"

"I don't know how to duel!" Harry scowled. "I realize this sounds like a minor inconvenience, but it strikes me as being somehow necessary to the whole process. I mean, I only just learned how to cast a stinging charm."

"And?"

"And Malfoy's probably been taught magic by his dad."

"Quite likely. The Malfoys are as dark as they come; big friends of You-Know-Who back in the day. My dad thinks Malfoy's dad is behind a lot of the nastiness that happens in our world, too. He's just having trouble proving it."

"Think dueling came up in their house?"

"Maybe. Old Man Malfoy isn't known for his skill there. No one brings up his name when mentioning the great fighters in the last war. But the whole family are slippery and dirty. If they do fight, you can bet they'll cheat and probably break some laws."

"So you think Malfoy will do that?"

"Dunno. I mean, on the one hand, he's a Malfoy, so he's a dark scumbag. On the other hand, he's Malfoy; have you seen him do _anything_ that doesn't make him out to be the stupidest ponce in the whole school?"

"Well . . ."

"That's what I thought. So it's a tossup, really."

"So another gamble?"

"Pretty much."

"Great."

"Do you two _mind_?" Hermione Granger growled.

"Not at all," said Ron. He turned back to Harry. "It'll be fine. Trust me."

 **WWW**

Harry woke up because someone was shaking him. Actually, he woke because the person had not only dumped him out of bed, but then dumped a bucket of water on his head. Living with the Dursleys had given him a remarkable ability to sleep through just about anything. While he could wake up exactly when he wanted to (so that he was never late in making breakfast), otherwise, he didn't wake up because his relatives weren't very good at subtle and even if they were, they liked to annoy him and so would try everything to make his life difficult.

"Blimey, Harry," whispered Ron as Harry sat up, coughing water. "We're going to be late!"

"Late?" mumbled Harry as he tried to clear his lungs. "Why'd you pour water on my face?"

"Get on your robes," Ron instructed as he began to shove Harry Potter into the robes in question.

"It's not morning," snarled Harry.

"Well yeah. We're due at midnight."

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked as he was ushered out of the dorms and towards the Common Room.

"Malfoy?"

Harry froze. "I'm not dueling Malfoy."

"Of course you are. You _really_ don't want him calling you a coward now that you accepted his challenge. That's really bad form."

"I didn't!"

"He won't see it that way." Ron gave a yank and pulled Harry stumbling along out the Portrait Hole. "Good evening," he said as he waved to the Fat Lady.

"Getting an early start, I see," she grumbled. "Trying to beat your siblings for earliest detention?"

"Sure. We'll go with that."

"If anyone asks, I didn't see you, same as them."

"Thanks. Come on, Harry."

"Ron! I don't know how to duel!"

"So?"

"So Malfoy will hurt me!"

"Nah. You'll just get hit by the first spell."

"I'll what?"

"Get hit by the first spell. Make sure you get hit. Doesn't matter by what. Then play like you're dying and I'll step in."

"That's your plan?"

"It'll work. Trust me." Ron pointed to where the Trophy Room opened. "See? We're here already."

"This is a terrible idea."

"Hush." Ron towed the resisting Harry into the gallery and spotted Malfoy. "Funny, Harry expected you to chicken out."

"He what?"

"I what?"

"He said you were a cowardly little girl who couldn't do anything without being behind daddy's skirts. But I told him that as a Malfoy, you wouldn't be a weak-willed fool and would hold up your end of a challenge because you'd hate for anyone to force your father to have to publically acknowledge you being a scared child with a big mouth."

"What?" said both Harry and Malfoy.

"Duel starts in three seconds. Three. Two. One. Fight!"

" _Riktumsempera!_ " cried Malfoy as he sent a faint beam of light at Harry, missing horribly until Harry dove into it and fell to the ground clutching his abdomen and making the same sounds he'd made when Dudley used to beat him with a cricket bat.

"I guess it's my turn as second," said Ron. He drew his wand and began a long series of spells. When Harry looked up, he saw Ron standing against the wall nonchalantly. "I think we're good. Even though they brought Goyle along as well."

A little ways away were three figures that looked vaguely like human beings, but only to those who knew they'd started out that way. But the biggest issues were the combination of gills and having sealed noses and mouths.

"Can they breathe?" asked Harry.

"Probably." Ron yawned. "I'm bushed. Let's go to bed."

"Shouldn't we undo the changes?"

"Do you think they would have for us?"

"No."

"There you go then. Come on."

 **WWW**

"Ah-hah!" Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom leapt out from behind a suit of armor. Granger leapt, Neville was half-dragged and half-tripped out. "You're on your way to duel Malfoy, aren't you?" she accused.

"Um . . ." began Harry.

"Nah." Ron shook his head. "That'd be silly. We heard where Malfoy had challenged some mean-looking Seventh Year from Slytherin to a duel. He said he'd take care of us after that."

"What?" Harry asked.

"So I figured we'd cut out on the duel," Ron went on as he put an arm around Harry's shoulder and placed a hand over his mouth. "But I didn't want Harry to miss his chance to at least see Hogwarts by night."

"You didn't duel Malfoy?"

"When there was going to be an angry Seventh Year?" Ron asked. "You're barmy as well as annoying. But that's what you were hoping, right, Granger? Bet you wanted to catch us dueling."

Neville looked furious. "You told me they were going to get in trouble if we didn't help them!"

"They would have!" snapped Hermione.

"Why did you drag him into this anyway?" Ron cocked his head. "Anyways, we're tired, right Harry?" He nodded Harry's head. "You two can explain to the Fat Lady why you were out late."

"Don't you have to?" hissed Hermione.

"Nah."

 **WWW**

"Ron!" snapped Harry when they were back in the Common Room. "Malfoy couldn't breathe!"

"Maybe. Look: we'll tell the teachers that we overhead Malfoy saying he was going to duel some Seventh Year in the gallery. They'll go looking for him."

"But won't we get in trouble for being out?"

"Why?"

"Because we saw that?"

"Saw what?"

"Malfoy in trouble."

"No we didn't. We just heard that they were going to fight and they should go check."

"We'll be in trouble for being out and about at night!"

"Why?"

"Won't we have to be to tell someone?"

"In the morning? I don't see why."

"Will he be okay in the morning?"

"Sure. Go to sleep, Harry."

 **WWW**

Fred and George slid into the seats on either side of Harry and Ron.

"Well, well, little brother," said George.

"We hear interesting news."

"Yeah?" Ron spooned porridge into his bowl and began to add honey and cream.

"Two firsties were out and about last night from the Lion's Tower," said Gred.

"In big trouble, they are," said Forge. "You okay, Harry?" he asked of the boy who was suddenly frozen.

"Who were they?" Ron inquired as he cut a banger.

"Granger and Longbottom. Only two out of bed after curfew," said Fred.

"We're disappointed in you, brother," added Forge.

"Well, we can't all be losers," replied Ron as he began to eat.

"On the subject of losers," said Gred.

"Did you hear about Malfoy?"

"What about Malfoy?" squeaked Harry.

"He went out to duel some Seventh Year," explained George.

"And some firsties from Gryffindor went and told McGonagall. Apparently they were worried for his health."

"Is . . . is he alright?" Harry asked.

"Nah," said George.

"When they found him, he'd been dead since midnight."

Harry made an eeping sound.

"But the two students got a hundred points each for 'showing concern for others in a different house'," said Gred.

"Blimey," muttered Ron.

"Yeah. Morning Perfect Percy."

Percy had arrived and leaned down, patting Ron on the shoulder. "I'm really proud of you, Ronald." He smiled and Harry went pale as he saw the admiration.

"But . . . but . . . I-you-we . . ."

"Eat your toast, Harry," said George as he shoved a piece into Harry's mouth.

* * *

 **(A/N John)**

 **Again, Spoon's fault. Instead of working on _Itachi_ I had to deal with this plot bunny.**

 **(A/N 2 John)**

 **She suggested that the scenario was basically Ron forcing Harry into the duel (like canon) but instead of canonically making it Harry's problem, he can deal with it himself.**

 **(A/N 3 John)**

 **She also said that he had Harry dive into the first spell so that he could step in. I said that he used all the prank spells that he'd had done on him at once and that this was probably lethal. It was her idea for him to not care.**

 **(A/N 4 John)**

 **It was also mostly her idea to have the rest of the Weasley clan be just as violently deranged as Ron instead of them being unaware of it.**

 **(A/N 5 John)**

 **Actually, this one is mostly her. She even suggested the toast and Percy being proud and everything. To tell the truth, this is one that could arguably be said to be entirely Spoon's work except for the actual, you know, writing and the details.**

 **(A/N 6 John)**

 **Unlike most of our ONESHOTs, this one is actually possibly not a oneshot. In fact, we have a few scenes planned out for the next several years. But we have other projects to work on. Especially _Itachi_. Speaking of which, there should be a chapter soon.**


End file.
